AoF #13: I Want to Share Something Beautiful with You

I'm kicking off a new series of blogposts, celebrating anything that falls under the tenets of my church's 13th Article of Faith (see bottom of post for full article): "... If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." This is dear to my heart, because what we ingest intellectually influences us and helps shape our character. I'm adding a new page to the blog that will showcase some of my overall favorites in different categories, and I'll be posting about other things I've found to be of worth in the coming months. And I invite you to look for and share the things that are lovely and praiseworthy in your life with someone else.

I wanted to do a huge shout-out to my cover artist, Nicolle Murray. She not only designed the banner logo for this blog, but did the cover for my novel. 

AND ... she has this amazing coloring book series featuring mythological creatures and monsters from all different cultures around the world. Rather than a scary rendition, hers are child-friendly and educational because she includes facts about where the mythological beasties come from and what they do. Parents needn't worry about appropriateness either, since all pictures are modest, and no explanations are explicit in any way. Beautifully detailed, each page even satisfies an adult craving to color. Or you might be like me and just want to keep it as a good reference set. 

She's also debuted the second coloring book in a carousel series. Fine attention to detail make these coloring books treasures. Nicolle used to work as an operator for a carousel that is over 100 years old (and is still in use!); it was the inspiration for the first carousel coloring book.

Right now, like many people, she's caught in the home-building price crunch. Rising interest rates and construction price hikes have taken what would have been an easy matter two years ago, into a nightmare of constant revolving doors. Her young family experienced homelessness for several months, but now have a rental. Meanwhile their home savings is depleting. So she's launched this fundraiser to help keep that from happening.

So if you or someone you know loves horses, mythological creatures, or high-quality coloring books, consider purchasing some. They make great gifts for any occasion, and hey, Christmas is coming up. I have all but the newest one (which I plan to change soon), and I love them!

For a closer peak, check out the direct link to where you can purchase all of her books.

The 13th Article of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Writing Forums: What I've Given, What I've Gained, and Saying Goodbye

 The end of this month also marks the end of my experiment in belonging to writing forums. It was quite the experience, and one episode in my life I can't just let fade away without some kind of tribute. So here goes.

At first, I was content to just join a writing forum. I knew I needed to connect with other writers, I needed advice on how to scale the mountain that is publishing, I needed to become a better writer. I also knew I had a modest amount of experience under my belt. After all, I'd been a rabid reader all my life, I'd been a critique partner before, in person, and I was willing to do the time and research it would take to up my game. I plunged into the writing pool. Some sites were full of participants, others less so. I quickly found the good spots where people had actually shared advice, if you took the time to read it. I made some initial connections, but became frustrated when the moderators for one forum suddenly stopped visiting, stopped giving advice and encouragement, just stopped everything. 

I learned you can be categorized as a forum participant. There are those who are very vocal and eager to throw their experience around (most good and legit, others are full of hot air and like attention). There are those eager to get everyone else to do the research and work for them. There are lurkers who never say anything. There's the sweet novice, just starting the journey, and the jaded veteran dripping with sarcasm and reality-checks. The PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW!!!! type is only one degree less annoying than the spammer who only posts to try to sell something. The morose mingle with the bubbly, the dewy-eyed with the predatory. It's a strange sort of place, with the same general end goal: to write and publish a book.

I was an amateur, not a novice, and I was willing to do the work and share what I found out in order to help others. I spent hours researching and sharing. Once that first initial forum proved a bust, I moved on and found another. The second one was huge. I mined through the threads for new information to add to what I'd already learned. While people were friendly, the forum was too large for me. It was impossible to make real connections without turning into someone annoying. 

Third time was the charm. This one was suggested by a contact from the first forum. It was still fairly new, yet on the web long enough to have an established reputation for good information. It also had a forum format that allowed users to form their own groups. So I did. I used the forum search algorithms to send invites to anyone who fell under the same genre bracket as me, and the Speculative Fiction Group came into being.

It's a scary thing to find oneself as a moderator or administrator. I didn't claim to be anyone of note in the industry, or to be super in the know about it either. People tend to treat you that way when you're in a leadership role. It weirded me out sometimes. But there was something special about those first few years. Lots of people joined, and most stuck around and participated. We got group chat nights going, started up yearly critiquing marathons, shared industry news, and talked about all sorts of things. I met some amazing people and some really good writers. The best part, is most of the time, I didn't feel like I was sitting on some moderator pedestal; I was just one of the group.

I devoted more hours to critiquing. And I learned a ton. My insights as a reader bore fruit; and I was humbled a lot by my own deficiencies. I cheered when others met with success and mourned with those who didn't. I made new critique partners, some who are still with me today. Other people reached success and moved on. It was sad to see them go, but I understood. They'd outgrown a writing forum. 

After a number of years, the host forum ended. My group moved to their own forum hosting site. We tried to be the same, but we weren't. And I had found my own writing path by then, diminishing my need to research and share things that were pertinent to the main body of remaining writers. I'd outgrown a writing forum. The biggest difference was that the writers in my forum weren't a bunch of novices looking for someone to guide them. They had at least amateur status or higher, knew where to find their resources, and really only wanted a safe place to share and critique each other's work. I didn't want to let anyone down, so I kept the forum up.

But my time there diminished; I'd become like the moderators from my first writing forum, absent a good deal. No one else wanted to sink in and do what I'd done to keep things robust and alive, at least not at the same level. They didn't have to; and I didn't really expect anyone to. So as hosting a forum became just another thing on my plate, and life became more demanding, I was advised to let it go. And I have. It's a bit of a relief, letting go of that responsibility, of the expectations I can no longer fulfill. Yet, I don't regret being part of a forum all those years. It served it's purpose.

Thank you to everyone who touched my life in any of those forums. Thank you for the lessons, for the experience, and for the collaboration. To anyone in search of a good writing forum, let me give this one parting piece of advice: a forum is only as good as you're willing to make it. Don't expect others to create the experience for you. It's a team effort, and you play a part in its success or failure.

 

Stock Photo by Pixabay

Behind the Scenes #3: My Writing Soundtrack for Trefury, Tracks 5 - 8

As exciting as great world-building or conflict is to a novel, one of the most crucial elements are the characters and their relationships. How do they act and react around each other? Is their relationship fraught with tension or do they buoy each other up? How does their relationship change during the course of the story? Which relationships break? What new ones are forged? It's fascinating to think about.

Real life focuses on relationships. In my opinion, a good novel should reflect on real life by exploring relationships and their outcomes. My debut novel Trefury: Mendi's Curse gave me the opportunity to study and write about several different kinds of relationships.

Some of these relationships are:
1 - Parent to child
2 - Extended relatives
3 - Friends
4 - Enemies
5 - Partnerships and ex-partnerships
6 - Societal versus personal
7 - Work associations
8 - Divine to mortal
9 - Human to non-human
10 - Stranger to stranger

I'm grateful for the multiple opportunities to reflect and analyze relationships. I think in a subtle way, doing so has helped me strengthen the real relationships I have. I was a very introverted, reclusive child who developed into an introverted, reserved adult. However, those people I truly came to know and who grew to know me have developed something special, fun, and unique. I look forward to making more good relationships, and it's one of my goals to be more open and out-going.

So which songs (that I haven't featured already) helped with creating the writing zone I needed for some of these relationship scenarios? I hope you have a few minutes and are in the mood to listen to music, because there were several. I'm only featuring a few here.

First up is 'Dilemma' by Selena Gomez:

This one describes pretty well the frustration of one person who wants to have a relationship with someone else, but there are communication issues, and the point of view person doesn't quite understand the other. They don't want to just walk away and forget about that person, they're drawn to them. I had to do a little male-female flip-flopping in my mind because it's the male whose baffled by the female in my story.

The second one is 'Outlaw' by Selena Gomez:

When I first heard this song I smiled and thought "Wow, that fits one of my lead characters perfectly." There's a price to be paid for discarding people.

The third one is 'Uninvited' by Alanis Morrisette:

There's a lot of psychological action in this book, including telepathic and emotional intrusions. Characters literally get in the heads of other characters, but there is one character who has such a strong will that no one gets in "uninvited." It makes this character a mystery to the others, even though this person seems pretty readable and easy-going.

The last song I'll feature this week is 'Silent Movie' by Natasha Bedingfield:

We seldom know what one interaction with someone else will snowball into. Lives criss-cross; we touch each other and pass on, but we leave a mark on each other. Our actions can lift someone up or destroy them. And perhaps we're more interconnected than we think.

This song also deals with a lack of communication with a surprising outcome. One who scoffs at another will eventually find they care about the other character, a lot more than they thought possible. Just like in real life, we may think someone else might not suit us and then find out we were wrong.

Question for you:
What relationships do you like to explore when reading or writing? Do you have a favorite or a must-have?

Previous Behind the Scenes Posts:
Forbidden Without Knowing Why
Let's Talk Hair 
My Writing Soundtrack for Trefury, Track 1
My Writing Soundtrack for Trefury, Tracks 2 & 3 
My Writing Soundtrack for Trefury, Track 4

Meet and Tell

I know I've been something of a mystery since I first took on the nickname of Clippership and began interacting with other people online. Even my author name, Joyce Alton is a pseudonym. There are good reasons why I'm protecting my identity. But I don't want to continue to be an unknown quantity. So I'm opening up my blog this week to you. Ask me anything you like and if it doesn't violate one of my reasons for privacy, I'll be happy to answer.

I love all the sky we see in my part of Idaho.

I'll start you off with 5 facts about me:

1 - I'm married and have three children.

2 - I moved around a lot so I don't have a hometown or home state. I currently reside in Idaho.

3 - My favorite colors are blue, green, and purple. (Not necessarily in that order.)

4 - My favorite season is autumn, my least favorite is summer.

5 - Despite my age, I know the names of many more older actors and actresses than I do current actors and actresses. (Older as in from the 1930's through the 1950's.)

After you ask me a question, please tell me something about you. What you're writing, what the weather's like, what's on your list of things to do before you die, anything like that. Please no plugs to buy anything.

Guest Post: To Do's and To Don'ts about Networking

Please welcome Dean C. Rich back to the blog today. He's come to share some thoughts on social networking and how following some simple guidelines can make the experience more enjoyable not only for yourself but others.

Writing is oxymoronic. It is an art and yet a business. An author writes alone, but has to work with others. The writer's subjects are what inspire him/her, yet the material must interest others.

Today I want to focus on the part of solitude while playing well with others.

The internet and social media allows writers to sit alone and literally have the world at their fingertips. Thus the world has shrunk. Gone are the days of anonymity. While writing is still somewhat a solitary venture, the writer still needs to connect with others if his or her words are to be read.

Connecting with others is networking. The word networking has taken on so much negative connotation. It almost seems selfish to connect with others to promote yourself. At least, that is what many take networking to mean. That may be true too. If so, that is one of the things not to do.

To Don'ts:

1- Don't Have an Alter Ego:
Folks think that being on line they are invisible. The "handle" or pseudonym gives a false impression of invisibility, or anonymity. Thus with the idea of no one knows who I am, gives them license to write whatever they want, because their identities are hidden. Understand this: no one is anonymous online.

2 - Don't be a Know-It-All:
I stumbled into Agent Query Connect. In the time I've been there I've seen folks show up thinking they had all the answers. These people spurned advice from members who offered some very sage advice, and these members knew what they were talking about. After awhile, no one would offer the newbie any advice.

3 - Don't Take on More than You Can Handle:
I enjoy the interactions I've had with my online friends. I want to help them, and I want to participate. However, to use an overused cliché, I bit off more than I could chew. I committed to doing things and then didn't deliver. I may have damaged some relationships because of that. I had good intentions, but being overwhelmed and not delivering didn't help the people I was trying to help. It also tarnished my reputation. I hope to make things right, but with relationships there are no guarantees.

4- Don't Lie:
This may seem obvious, but when sharing work with each other the idea to not hurt feelings may be very tempting. That is not helpful. Do not tell someone that their work is great when it is not.

5- Don't be Brutally Honest:
On the flip side, do not blatantly tell someone that their work sucks.

To Do's:
Be Willing to Share:
1- One of the first things I learned as I began networking online is this: If you want help, you must be willing to help. Everyone is busy. Beta reading - you read their work, they read yours. Critique partner? You help with theirs, they help with yours. So be willing to help others and you can get the help you want.

2 - Leave comments on people's blogs:
To network, your name has to be out there. To get your name out there, you have to be out there. Read blogs that interest you and if you like something, say so. To network you can not be shy.

3 - Find multiple outlets:
Blogging is great. Blogging circles are great. Add Twitter, find things on Google +, LinkedIn, and other online communities. I personally have found Agent Query Connect to be a fantastic place to get answers on writing, and the people I've met there are super fantastic.

4 - Learn the etiquette of each site you join:
Twitter has etiquette expectations, depending on the circles the account is in. Writers have a #WW which means Writer's Wednesday where you list the @ of the writers you follow. #FF is Follow Friday where you list those you follow who you like. When someone follows you, you should follow back.

Facebook is another way. Build an author page. I've chosen to use Facebook for my personal things and Twitter for my writing interests. Google + allows me to build circles.

A forum has its own set of rules. Read the FAQ and read posts and responses to learn what is and isn't acceptable.

4- Have fun:
If you are not enjoying things, you may want to rethink what you are doing. Having fun and enjoying the interaction makes it real. Just because there is a name and a picture on a computer screen, there is a real person on the other end.

5- Give back:
As you learn and grow, be willing to share what you've learned with those who follow.

6- Always be polite:
I think that says it all. There are feelings, hopes, and fears. We all have them. The golden rule works very well with all of this. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Networking on the internet is about like networking in the real world. You are dealing with real people. What is neat about the internet is you can make friends all over the world. I've had a guest post on a blog whose author is in Africa. I've exchanged ideas with someone from England. I've been in chat rooms with folks from the east and west coasts and Canada. It has been a lot of fun getting to know these people and I am excited when someone I've made friends with gets a book published, or gets an agent, or completes a first draft. It's all good.

Thanks, Joyce, for having me over.

Thank you, Dean. Great thoughts. If anyone would like to add to Dean's list please do so in the comments.

More on Dean:
Twitter
The Write Time (his blog)
Agent Query Connect

When the Writing Life Has Got You Down

No, don't worry, I'm not in a state of depression and going to vent. I'm very much the opposite right now. But I have been there and I don't know a single writer who hasn't stood at the bottom of a metaphorical ravine wondering how to climb out or if they'll ever see sunshine again.

Whether it's query blues, editing issues, getting that first draft done, a bad case of writer's block, feeling alone in the social media madness, or beta reader angst, here's my method to deal with it:

First of all, it's okay to cry or get mad. We're human and we have natural human reactions. However, don't do it publicly, no matter how much you want to stand on the proverbial rooftop and share your misery with everyone else. In what should be a simple cry for sympathy, you actually get the opposite reaction if you air your grievances in public.

Why? Well, have you ever come across someone else's pity party online? It's not fun to read, often sounds like a temper tantrum, and we tend to doubt their word. Mention you're having a bad day, sure, editing's got in you in a bind, okay. But keep it generalized and simple. Don't start naming names or pointing fingers. Especially if you get a bad book review or don't see eye to eye with someone else.

After the initial passion has burst, I like to walk away from the writing life for a bit. Depending on how big the issue is, determines how long the break. Do something else and let the air clear. Sometimes getting distracted by life can help you break through writer's block or editing issues. And other times we must be reminded that we shouldn't hole ourselves up writing about life every moment of the day, we need to live it too.

Feeling ignored or unimportant? Definitely spend time with people you can see and speak to. Don't get depressed by your blog stats, your lack of followers, the fact that no one has jumped at the opportunity of reading your work, or if your email inbox is strangely empty. Remember, your happiness doesn't depend on the constant goodwill and popularity of other people. You are your own special, unique individual who has something to give. Forget about yourself and let the needy feeling slip off your shoulder. See if you can't reach out and touch someone else who may need a boost. Do a good turn, without expecting fanfare and the applause of the world. It'll make you feel much better.

If it's your story that has got you down, get out a blank sheet of paper or pull up a blank document on your computer. Then write down every reason why you love your story. Write down what other's have loved about it. Write down what your strengths are. Write down what you've learned during the process of writing. And when you think you are done, write down the things you are looking for in a story, that you want to read and that you enjoy. This especially comes in handy after a bad beta reader review or a lot of rejection from industry professionals.

Most of all, remember that your writing life doesn't embody you entirely. You have many facets, other talents, dreams, and priorities that matter. We are all part of a large community, we are individuals yes, but we are also one of many. Don't compare your life, even your writing life, to that of anyone else. There is no comparison, not ever. Anyone who says differently is probably trying to make themselves feel better, and failing.

How have you dealt with writing life blues? I'd love to read about your method.

Sonnet 29 by William Shakespeare

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising,
From sullen earth sings hymns at heaven's gate.
     For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
     That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Guest Post: 10 Things Learned in 2012

I'd like to welcome Michelle Hauk to Yesternight's Voyage today. Michelle blogs at It's In the Details, is a fellow Speculative Fiction Group member, and a soon to be published author. You can follow her also on Twitter, Facebook, or Goodreads. She hosts a group on Goodreads devoted to discussing speculative fiction.

Her book, Kindar's Cure comes out in March of 2013.
"Princess Kindar of Anost dreams of playing the hero and succeeding to her mother's throne. But dreams are for fools. Reality involves two healthy sisters and a wasting disease of suffocating cough that's killing her by inches. When her elder sister is murdered, the blame falls on Kindar, putting her head on the chopping block.

"No one who survives eighteen years of choke lung lacks determination. A novice wizard, Maladonis Bin, approaches with a vision - a cure in a barren land of volcanic fumes. As choices go, a charming bootlicker that trips over his feet isn't the best option, but beggars can't be choosers. Kindar escapes with Mal and several longtime attendants only to have her eyes opened that her country faces dark times.

"Her mother's decision to close the prosperous mines spurs poverty and joblessness, inciting rebellion and opening Anost to foreign invasion. As Mal urges her toward a cure that will prove his visions, suddenly, an ally turns traitor, delivering Kindar to a rebel army, who have their own plans for a sickly princess.

"With the killer poised to strike again, the rebels bearing down, and the country falling apart, she must weigh her personal hunt for a cure against saving her people."

And now over to Michelle directly:

Being always slightly off my rocker, I volunteered to do a post for Joyce about ten things I learned in 2012. Ten things. Ten things. That will be easy, right? Eager to find a starting point, I looked back to last year, examined where I started it and where I ended it, and can honestly say they were not the same spot. Things did change for me. I became wiser--or maybe more experienced as a writer (definitely bolder.) Sometimes it was painful and sometimes embarrassing. I'll let some proverbs show what I learned.

Back in that faraway time of January 2012, I was querying my second manuscript, Kindar's Cure. (Strangely enough in this here and now time of January 2013, I'm querying my third manuscript, Dodge the Sun.)

10. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Is this old proverb true or false in regards to querying? After getting many, many, too many rejections over three different manuscripts, I can honestly say...querying is extremely painful.

Did it kill me?

No.

Did it make me stronger?

Eh. Maybe. Form rejections hurt as much the one hundredth time as the first time. I think I dwell on them less now. What I learned is not to let them stop me.

9. Rome wasn't built in a day. In regards to the publishing business, this one is absolutely true. Publishing moves like a snail with a hangover. To write Kindar and edit it took a year. (Nanowrite people are looking at me. What can I say? I'm slow.) From the start of the query process until I signed a contract to publish with a small press was ten months of near constant email checking and refreshing. Be patient. If you're looking for an agent or a publisher, expect to wait and wait and wait and...

8. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. What does this mean? After you send those queries, don't be sitting around pressing refresh on your email. Start a new project while you wait for responses. Then if nothing happens on your current manuscript, you'll be ready for more crushing thoughtful replies on another.

7. Fortune favors the brave. If someone is kind enough to hold a contest where you might be brought to the attention of agents, don't be afraid to enter just because the feedback is tough to bear. Just remember that contests are long shots and no substitute for putting in the work of researching agents to see which are the best matches for your work. After all, there are no quick fixes.

6. All that glitters is not gold.  Keep in mind that an offer, whether from an agent or publisher, is just the beginning. Some writers forget to look on down the road. There is more work to be done once you get an offer because now you have to build yourself as an author. If you don't believe me, then check out the promotional checklist on AQC. It's a killer.

Not only do you have to write and edit, but promote yourself and your book. It's not something that comes easily if you're a shy person. In the middle of 2012, a lot of my attention turned toward this perplexing riddle of how to draw attention to myself.

5. If you build it; they will come--eventually. I ramped up my efforts on blogging in the beginning of 2012. At first, I was writing to myself because I was the only one reading the dang thing. But gradually the followers built to where I'm not alone. Now, a lot of nice people actually leave me comments. I even have a dedicated following of spammers who leave me incomprehensible comments with links I'm afraid to click. (I highly recommend inviting real writerly guests to contribute to your blog until you're off the ground and adding pictures to your posts.)

And as for embarrassing moments as I promised above, think and rethink having giveaways on your blog. Make sure you can get people to enter so you won't be giving books to empty air.

4. If a tweet falls in the forest will anyone care? That should be a proverb, don't you think? I finally got up the nerve to join Twitter. I do not find it a great place for promotion. No matter how often someone shouts out about their book, I don't click their links. I expect many others don't either. They are all there to shout out their own business. There is just too much traffic, too much promotion, with no way to weed the good from the bad.

I do find it a great place to connect with friends and make new ones. It's also a useful place for learning from agents. You can discover some great contests. Twitter has been a timewaster and unexpected bonus. Take the good with the bad. (Ha! Two proverbs for the price of one.)

3. Don't burn your bridges behind you. In other words, watch what you say because the internet is forever. I've heard of writers responding to bad reviews or troll comments and they usually get the worst of that attempt to vindicate themselves.

2. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Help out fellow writers as often as you can. Host them on your blog. Give suggestions on their queries. Feedback their chapters. Retweet their tweets. Not only will they repay the favor, but you'll feel happier with yourself. He who gives, receives.

1. Friendship is golden. The surest and best way to succeed in life (and in promotion) is to make friends. Of course you have to be genuine; this isn't something you can fake. Nothing will serve you better than surrounding yourself with supporters. Of all the treasures writing has brought me, I value the friends I've made the most.

Giving Back: Week #1 Thank You Followers!!

Today I'd like to extend a heartfelt "Thank You" to those of you who regularly follow my blog. I wish I had the means to do one of those super popular book giveaways, hook you up directly with a team of literary agents or editors in a contest, or offer gift cards. I'm mostly a researcher, not a social butterfly with a wide networking reach. The research posts are the ones I get the most hits with, so that must be what everyone likes. Whew! I don't have to be Miss Popularity.

So...I'd like to spotlight my regulars today. And I know there are some of you who check in often who haven't officially "followed" the blog. Thank you, as well! It's nice to know that I'm not writing into a vacuum and I hope that I've been of some help. Please know I'm aware of you and I love your input.

Here are those of you I can account for:
Darke Conteur, AngieS, Precy Larkins, R.C. Lewis, cjrehse, Calista Taylor, Riley Redgate, Casey McCormick, Diana, Ashley Nixon, A.M. Supinger, Marewolf, Stephanie Poscente, Kayleen Hamblin, Stephanie Diaz, Dean C. Rich, Carissa Andrews, Dave, Moonshade, Donald McFatridge, Kacey Vanderkarr, Amy Jarecki, Small Town Shelly Brown, Richard Pieters, E.M. LaBonte, Kate Spencer, paula, Lisa Terry, clarklori, Kelsey, Kela McClelland, Jenny Phresh, Michelle 4 Laughs, khaula mazhar, E.B. Black, Rissa, Debra McKellan, Bethany Crandell, Suzanne Payne, The Golden Eagle, Stephen Tremp, Leslie, sc_author, Margaret, Alice Martin, Manup Admin, SL Jenan, Lanette, Rowanwolf, E.F. Jace, David Ferretti III, Peter Burton, catwoods, Margo Kelly, Jemi Fraser, Tracy, Jemma Davidson, TK Richardson, and T.J. Loveless.

Some of you have encouraged my foray in the social networking world and helped drive traffic my way. Thank you! Some of you have been kind enough to let me read your work and some have taken the figurative red pen to mine. Thank you! Some of you have wonderful blogs of your own. Thank you! I enjoy reading them. Some of you comment on my posts. Thank you, thank you!! Some of you are great examples to me and I admire your vision, your fortitude, and your talent. Thank you.

In my part of the world, I'd spend the day in the kitchen baking you goodies. If there are any blog topics you'd like to see more of, or would like me tackle, please let me know. I like to think of this blog more as a way to help other people than an online diary for my sake.

Friendship: Guest Post #5

Friendship is a central theme in the story I’m working on right now. So here is the last guest post from another of my writing friends. If you'd like to chime in on the theme or have something to say regarding friendship please feel free to comment.

My next guest blogger is Diana Robicheux. Diana is a paranormal writer, a talented artist, and a convention maven. You can find some of her artwork here. Thanks, Diana, for helping out with the theme!

When Clipper asked me if I would like to guest write about friendship, I told her yes without hesitating.  Then she gave me my topic “What kills friendships and possible ways to prevent it or deal with the loss of a friendship” and my brain went “Eek! How do I talk about THAT!”  After I thought about it, I realized I’m probably more acquainted with the topic than I’d like to admit. 

Losing a friend sucks.  No matter how or why it happens or how old we are, it sucks.  Sometimes it’s our fault, theirs, or nobody’s.  These are some of the major friendship killers that popped into my head, ones that I’ve been through.

1.  Losing Touch:

We’ve probably all been through this one.  We say goodbye to our friends at graduations and when we change jobs or move. 

Long distance friendships used to be hard to maintain, but it’s pretty easy these days between cell phones, e-mail and voice chats.  So if you say you’ll keep in touch, just do it.  Don’t forget to remember your friends, even if they’re not right in front of you every day.  I have a lot of great friends, some of whom I’ve never even met in person, so there’s no excuse to let physical distance be an obstacle to our friendships. 

But what do we do if the person we thought was such a close friend doesn’t return our calls or e-mails?  First, don’t be too impatient.  They may have things going on that are taking all their attention.  Wait a few months then try again, but if they don’t respond then it’s best to take a deep breath and move on. 

2.  The Replacement:  

The first friend I lost was in sixth grade.  I was out sick for a few days and another girl took my place, literally.  She took my desk (with all my stuff in it) and my friend.  First, I told the teacher she was in my desk so the teacher made her move.  Next, I tried to make friends with the new girl too.  I figured adding a new friend was better than losing the one I had.  But the new girl turned my friend against me, and that was the end of that friendship.  It was awkward and difficult to look at the two of them every day in class, until I made friends with my old friend’s twin brother.  New friends are the best way to soothe the pain of losing an old one and him being her own twin brother was just cake.

Don’t exclude your old friends if you make new ones.  Introduce them if you can.  Maybe you’ll end up with a whole new circle of friends.

3.  Misunderstandings and Disagreements:

Losing a friend to a misunderstanding is tragic.  Sometimes a misspoken word or an action taken out of context can derail a friendship and we may not know why.  Hopefully we’ll give our friends the benefit of the doubt or at least time to explain themselves before dumping them over something we may not even have the right idea about. 

If we have a disagreement with a friend over anything, decide what’s more important: the friend or the argument.  Is your opinion, or theirs, worth losing the friendship over if you can’t find common ground?  Friends don’t always have to agree to make their friendship work.  If there are “touchy subjects” (politics, religion, etc.) that could hurt your relationship or the other person simply avoid those issues.  There are plenty of other things to talk about. 

4.  Breaking “The Code”:

Since there may be a few out there who don’t know what “The Code” is, I’ll elaborate.  “The Code” is the understanding between friends that boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses are off limits period, even after a break-up (unless the friend gives their permission.)

It goes without saying that this is a deal killer.  Friendship over.  Walk away.  I’ve been through that kind of betrayal and I can honestly say that there’s no way to repair the friendship after it happens.  Turn to other friends or find new ones to help get you through it and let it go.  I know, easier said than done, but it really is the only way.  Don’t even let yourself think about them.  Take a trip and get away from the situation all together if possible.  If not, treat yourself to something you love.  Ice cream or chocolates are easier on the budget than diamonds, so keep that in mind.  No matter what, keep your head.  Neither one of them is worth doing something stupid over.

5.  How NOT to Lose a Friend:

The best way to keep our friends is to BE a good friend.  Keep in touch, just being there may mean more to them than you realize, even if “being there” is by phone or on-line.  Don’t fight over insignificant things.  Treat each other with respect.   But if it happens anyway, make some new ones.  In the mean time, there’s always chocolate.

--Diana R

Friendship: Guest Post #4

I’m continuing with the theme of friendship with the help of some writer friends. Friendship is a central theme in the story I’m working on right now. If you'd like to chime in on the theme or have something to say regarding friendship please feel free to comment.

My next guest blogger is Virginia K. Interesting story on this one. We met in the Barnes and Noble Forum and I quickly surmised Virginia to be an astute and talented writer. It wasn’t until we’d gotten to know each other better and had even beta read for each other that I learned she was barely into her teens. To say I felt surprised is putting it mildly. Age doesn’t define friendships, I’ve found, as long as two people have something in common. Virginia continues to surprise and delight me with her insight, wisdom, and talents. In her own words: “Raised in a rambling old Victorian House, I am a blues guitarist, djembe drummer and writer of the odd fantasy/horror/surrealist fiction, in no particular order.  Someday I hope to find a way to combine all these things...  a Gaimanesque blues-rock band, hailing from the Midwest?”

Having been educated at home for the past ten years, I have found friends only beyond what others may call the comfort zone.  I met all but a few of my friends at a local bookstore that opened the first year of my homeschooling journey, when I was hardly tall enough to see them over the counter.  All were at least twelve years my senior, but still we conversed on books, films, comic books and music as the years progressed.  One of them still sits in a place of honor on our refrigerator, beside me in a photograph of the last Harry Potter book release party. 

  

My grandmother asked once why I had no friends, and I was shocked at the question, pointing toward the bookstore across the mall's food court.  She could hardly believe that I socialized happily with adults at my age, seemingly untouched by society's proscriptions and norms that would declare me shy.

What, then, is a comfort zone?  A social construct of peers, but what qualities mark who may or may not enter this zone?

As a little girl, I always sought common ground by reading materials.  Prose fiction in particular creates a universe in which minds may meet, sharing memories that neither have lived beyond the pages of a book, even when separated by an age, gender or socioeconomic barrier.  One of my dearest friends (again from the bookstore) is a father of three, and at the age of nine I enthusiastically discussed theories on the latest Harry Potter installment.  I mused with comparisons of fairy tale and myth, while he brought a lifelong love of comic books and mysteries to the table, and my mom stood nearby with a pun or one-liner.  I first met the closest person I have to a sister when she recommended A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray, based on my love of Victorian Gothic novels.

When I conversed with people closer to my own age, even for such a brief time as between sections of an annual test, I did struggle a bit more.  Not for want of trying or politeness, but out of a lack of common ground.  Unsurprisingly, it has been difficult to find teenagers who know every nook and cranny of the vintage X-Men universe, or play Delta blues on the guitar. 

This has become more evident as I've begun to search for bandmates; the youngest blues guitarist I've found at this point is three years older than I, and apparently not as interested in forming a band.  More painful yet was my discovery last month that my city's only bookstore will be closed by the end of the year  --  among so many other regrets, it will be one less place for me to meet new friends.

My struggle in finding friends near my age has led me to wonder if reaching out to new people somehow entails more than common interests.  Telepathy?  A love spell?  Or perhaps my qualifications for new friends are my comfort zone, a box through which I see the world.

The comfort zone, then, is more than a set of social norms.  It is also an internal wall, a filter guarding against both the known and the unknown.  It is what society dictates as impossible and improper, and it is only made stronger by one's own expectations for the world outside.

 An unwittingly wise man told me recently that I should let no one put me in a box.  What of the box I've built for myself?

   --  Virginia K

Friendship: Guest Post #3

I’m continuing to explore the theme of friendship with the help of some writer friends. Friendship is a central theme in the story I’m working on right now. If you'd like to chime in on the theme or have something to say regarding friendship please feel free to comment.

My next guest blogger is Margaret Fortune, a writing friend from Agent Query Connect. She’s uber-talented as a writer, a detailed critic as a beta reader, and I like her grounded style of expressing herself.  In her own words: “After graduating with a BA in psychology from the University of Minnesota, Margaret Fortune took up writing as a way to pass the time while job hunting. As it turned out, she enjoyed the writing far more than the job hunting, and has been writing ever since. She currently works at an e-commerce firm where she answers customer service emails, and her short fiction is forthcoming in Nth Degree. Her best friend is a four and a half foot tall stuffed giraffe named Freckles, so clearly she's well qualified to blog about friendship.”

I think we've all heard the phrase, "The More the Merrier!" at one time or other. But is this really true when it comes to friends, or is sometimes more just...well, more?

Not that long ago, a guy who I'd never seen before came up to me at work and said, "Hey, if you'll take the rest of my shift tonight, I'll be your best friend forever."

Hmm...now there's a proposition I'd never heard before.

           

And so I looked at him, this guy whose name I didn't even know, and you know what I said? I said, "Well, I don't even know you. Maybe I don't want you to be my friend. Maybe you're one of those creepy, clingy people that bother you all the time and never go away."

Yes, I actually used the word “creepy.” As you may have guessed, I don’t have a lot of friends.

Well, as you have probably figured out, Nameless Guy and I did not become best friends forever. What can I say? He had a creepy, clingy sort of look to him, and besides, it was a Friday night.

So, are more friends better? To fairly consider this question, I think you first have to decide just what constitutes a friend. Is the creepy, clingy guy at work whose shift you took your friend? What about that nice girl you always talk to in yoga class, but have never gotten around to having coffee with? Are those fifty-thousand Facebook friends really your bosom buddies, or are they simply fifty-thousand people whose only similarity to you is a penchant for hanging out on the computer 24/7 and a compulsion to report all the big events in their lives, like when they eat a ham sandwich or feed the fish?

We all have different definitions about just what constitutes a friend, and in the same way we all have different needs when it comes to how many is the right amount. For some, one or two best friends, people who have known us our whole lives or understand us as if they have, is the right number. For others, those who thrive on getting to know and being around other people, that huge circle of friends and acquaintances may be just what they need.

Which brings me to a few questions: how well do you know your friends? How well do you have to know someone to consider them a friend? Have you ever claimed someone as a friend, and then found out they didn’t see you the same way, or vice versa?

I live in a city of approximately sixty-five thousand people, and whenever my mom and I go out somewhere together, we are always stopped at least once by someone who wants to say hello…to my mother. If we do not run into at least one person she knows, or who knows her, I always start wondering if maybe we walked into a parallel universe and just didn’t notice.

My mom always greets these people back with the abandonment of a long-lost twin sister, and it’s only after they part ways that she will suddenly reveal, “I have no idea who that person was.”

Clearly friendship isn’t always felt equally on both sides, and one person’s fond acquaintance may be the other’s “huh?” moment of the day. Which brings me to another question: does your number of friends determine your degree of friendship? Does having a lot of friends mean that your relationships will, of necessity, be more shallow? Does having few friends mean that you’ll prize each friendship all the more?

When it comes down to it, we all have to find that magic number for ourselves. If you’re feeling lonely, maybe it’s time to ask that girl from yoga class out to coffee. If you feel overextended, like you can’t even keep up with all the friends you do have, perhaps it’s okay to let yourself drift apart from a few of those far-flung acquaintances.   

Maybe you can count your friends on one hand. Then again, maybe you can’t count all the friends you have even if you take off your shoes and socks. But whichever it is, in the end is it really so much about quantity as it is about quality? I leave that to you to decide.

Friendship: Guest Post #2

I’m continuing to explore the theme of friendship with the help of some writer friends. Friendship is a central theme in the story I’m working on right now. If you'd like to chime in on the theme or have something to say regarding friendship please feel free to comment.

My next guest blogger is Dean C. Rich: Dean has been married for 27 years and has five children a daughter-in-law, and one grandson.  He blogs about time management and writing over at The Write Time and can be found on Agent Query Connect as DC Rich.  He has written four complete manuscripts and is currently working on making the first book in his trilogy a standalone story.  Stop by and see what he has to say at his blog and follow him there and on twitter as @deancrich.

And here’s what he has to say on the topic:

Friends

The old cliché states “Friends you can choose but family is forced upon you.”  BFF is such a cool text word – Best Friends Forever.  Friends help the day and weeks go by.  Friends help to make life better.  Friendships are dynamic relationships.  Sometimes they are fantastic, and other times differences cause conflicts, and how you deal with the conflicts determines character, and if the friendship survives.

I ran across this poem and I think it illustrates the point better than what I’m trying to say:

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too

busy to give you any time.

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than an poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no

prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

THEN, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

When I was still in high school I had a great friend.  He and I did a lot together.  Then he moved.  We wrote letters and kept in contact… for awhile.  Then we lost contact.  I knew he moved to Virginia, but that was all I knew.

Life went on.  I married my best friend.  She and I have five children together.  We’ve been married for 27 years now.  Our friendship has matured.  We can look at each other and know the mood of the other, if we need to talk, need to go for a walk.  Or gasp, be left alone. 

We’ve moved to different states twice now.  We’ve kept track of friends and touch base, but life is so busy and hectic that we do well to keep in touch with old friends in the old places we moved away from.

Then I discovered Facebook.  I did some searching for my high school friends, found a few of them, but my best friend was still gone.  I went and signed up on my high school page.  Sent a few messages to old acquaintances, caught up on news, and then back to my own life and family.

Family and friend relationships all have to be nurtured. So I’m up to date with my old friends, but my current family and friends take most of my time. I’ve made new writing friends on line and I’ve been developing relationships with all of them.    

About a year ago I got onto my Facebook page and saw my old high school friend’s name in the friend request box. I clicked it and did some looking. He had managed to leave a trail on the internet and I uncovered his phone number. I made the call and when he answered I asked if he was in fact my friend. I could hear the joy in his voice as he made the connection that after all these years we were on the phone together.  He too had gone onto Facebook and gone to our high school and found my info.  And then waited three weeks for my response!  (I don’t go onto Facebook very often!)

We spent several hours catching up with each other. We still talk about twice a month on the phone. Our friendship is still there. But relationships take nurturing. For great friendships we have to be great friends ourselves. 

Family may be forced upon you, but family can be your best friends as well. What makes for good family relations also work for friendships. The nice thing about long lasting relationships is the feeling of being safe with those you are closest to. My wife and I talk about all sorts of things. We enjoy our children and family outings. Those wouldn’t happen if we weren’t also friends. 

My time with my friend whom I spent 30 years looking for, and he looking for me as well is still valued. We have a lot of differences, and don’t agree on everything, but we agree our friendship is important. We make time to talk with each other. We keep each other posted. Yes we still talk about things we enjoyed in high school, but we also talk about our wives, and what we do that irritates them, but we don’t know why those things do. But we share. 

However, just like the dogs who are unconditional friends, we too need to be able to be a friend through good times and the bad. If it wasn’t for good friends there are events in my life I wouldn’t have been able to deal with. A great friend is made, and nurtured. Lifelong friends are jewels to be cherished. 

Relationships take work and should not be taken for granted. As Clarence the angel who was looking for his wings wrote in Tom Sawyer’s cover page to George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life: 

Dear George,

Remember no man is a failure who has friends.

Thanks for the wings!

Love

Clarence

If your dog can be a great friend, then you can do better.  Helping others, listening, and working are the keys to being and having great friends, and long lasting relationships.

Dean C. Rich